Cancer at Christmas

There is no good time to have cancer but it is particularly hard at Christmas.

The fun, the parties the joy have all been emotionally uncomfortable and painful to me. I don't mind others enjoying themselves but it isn't something I want to do this year. I usually enjoy Christmas but this year Christmas has happened around me.

I will have surgery mid January. 6 weeks later, a month of radiotherapy will begin. Every working day for a month. Initially, this seemed an easy option. I have seen the effects of chemotherapy first hand. Intense nausea, hair loss, diarrhea, weight loss, physical weakness, extreme tiredness. Compared to that, radiotherapy seemed an easy treatment. 5 minutes a day. Easy.

But the more research I have done, the more concerned I have become. I had my monthly consultation with my Oncologist and asked about the probability of long term damage. "50% likelyhood of long term bowel and/or bladder problems - serious but manageable, 10% likelyhood of long term bowel and/or bladder problems that can't be managed". Only a 2 in 5 chance of no long term effects of pelvic radiotherapy.

I researched further and the UK Cancer Research website stated 50% of men who have undergone pelvic radiotherapy have bladder problems 6 years later.

I read about women who undergo pelvic radiotherapy - most are physically unable to have penetrative sex ever again. The radiotherapy shrinks their vagina so much that penetrative sex is physically impossible.

The prospect of pelvic radiotherapy is now terrifying. Every session will result in permanent physical damage. Everyday the radiotherapy will silently and invisibly destroy my pelvic area. The only question is how much damage it will create.

I asked my oncologist about refusing radiotherapy. She was dismissive. I suppose from her perspective she seeks a "cure" and it seemed she has no interest in how much damage my body must take for the cancer to be destroyed.

I am torn between 2 awful outcomes; refusing radiotherapy - my only route to cure - this would result in a quick death or living the rest of my life with permanent and serious bowel and/or bladder damage.

Could I really refuse radiotherapy and consign myself to a death in my early 50s? Could I really live the rest of my life being too scared to go to the corner shop in case I soil myself?

2023 has been the worst year of my life. 2024 will be even worse. I will either have to refuse radiotherapy (therefore accept early death) or accept its life changing consequences. I pray for the strength & wisdom to make the right decision.

Happy Christmas.