Happy New Year?

I have always enjoyed new year, although I have sometimes found it slightly melancholic. Pondering the regrets of the year and sense of time passing can be bittersweet.

This new year is very odd and different.

The usual platitude is "all the best for 2024", or ""hope 2024 will be a great year for you". Not appropriate for me.

I had a consultation with my oncologist in the week before Christmas. I asked about the long term effects of the pelvic radiotherapy I will receive in March 24. I was concerned as I recently had coffee with a prostrate cancer survivor who was still having bowel problems 4 years after his radiotherapy. This started a chain of questions and uncertainties in my mind; what is the probability of me having long term problems?; should I accept or reject radiotherapy?; what would my life be like if I rejected radiotherapy? what would my life be like if I had long term side effects?

I sat with my siblings on Christmas Eve, discussing this. I downloaded an anatomy app later that day and examined the male pelvic region, trying to understand what effects I might face and how bad they might be, Later that evening, I wrote my brother an email, listing my fears, which he kindly replied on Christmas morning.

Christmas Day was good but just a temporary respite with full uncertainty returning on Boxing Day.

Before Christmas, the oncologist said to me, "Why would anyone want to ask about rejecting radiotherapy?" A sharp, stinging, put down. I asked about the risks of long term side effects of pelvic radiotherapy, "50% likelyhood of long term side effects that are manageable, 10% chance of long term side effects that would be very difficult to manage". She then said, "Don't worry, we will have you back hill walking in no time". I found it impossible to reconcile those two sentences.

I felt like a small boat in a storm, pushed around violently and uncontrollably by wind, waves and currents. Perhaps to be smashed to pieces against the rocks.

A friends wife was amazing. She is a nurse and kindly and patiently listened to my thoughts and fears. The permanent loss of my sexual function, my uncertainty about the risks of pelvic radiotherapy, my unhappiness with my oncologist.

I have a life changing and irrevocable decision to make in 2024; accept pelvic radiotherapy and the potentially life changing consequences or reject radiotherapy and put myself outside conventional medicine and accept on only palliative care.

I pray for the wisdom to make the right decision.

Happy new year.